Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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