Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
