I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
