so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
