my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
