Need sex. Gaining weight.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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