i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
