This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
