you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
