The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
