I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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