The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
