Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My liver is preforming stress tests.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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