doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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