She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
