can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As shirtless as possible
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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