I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
