I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
