so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Rumble strips road head = magical
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
