Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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