I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
