Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize