So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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