I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
