ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
