I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
