i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
