wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Panties = found
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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