I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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