The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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