Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
