How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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