I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
