dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
