Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize