did you get engaged???
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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