Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
dude. I can hear the air.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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