I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
