2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
