I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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