I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
