I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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