The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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