I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
