and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
