the new term for farting is butt boxing.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
