We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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