Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
