sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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