And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
