You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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