i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
