DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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