Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
