if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
