But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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