Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
