His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
