Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
