2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
