Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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